Saturday, May 12, 2012

Trusting My Child: Unschooling



Not too long ago, I met a woman whose primary interest right now is homeschooling her children. As we chatted, she told me about her kids’ educational history. At first, she followed the traditional route for foreign service families: her kids were enrolled in whichever international school was most promising at their current post. Then, at one post, there was only one international school of good repute, and it was a disastrously bad fit for her children. So she made the only decision that she felt she could make—she withdrew her kids and started homeschooling. It worked wonderfully for her family, so she’s continued it ever since. Along the way she evolved from a more structured curriculum to the least structured of all—unschooling. Now, the kids choose what to study based on their interests. Although my new acquaintance admitted to some stress over her children’s educational choices, she assured me that she trusts them to learn everything they need to learn in order to have successful futures as innovators, as entrepreneurs, as anything they want to be.

Of course I was interested in her journey because I am considering what Alexa’s education will look like: will we go the traditional route, or will I also become a homeschooling mom? As we chatted, I revealed my conflicted thoughts about how we will educate Alexa, and indicated that, while I commend her for following the route that works best for her family, unschooling will not be our route. She asked why not, an honest question, and I responded likewise: I am uncomfortable with such an important endeavor as Alexa’s education being that far out of my control. I want to choose what she studies, either by choosing the homeschool curriculum or by choosing the school(s) she attends.

“Ah, you don’t trust her!”

The sentence was delivered in an understanding, almost pitying, tone of voice. My response was automatic, not at all thought through, purely emotional: I denied a lack of trust in my child. I gave examples of how we let Alexa make her own decisions, explained our belief that children should be given the freedom (and responsibility) to make age-appropriate choices, and further explained that we believe in a balance between the need for her to make some choices and the need for her to learn to obey when we don’t give her choices.

“I wouldn’t phrase that as teaching her to obey, but as helping her learn to trust you.”

And on it went. I explained our parenting choices, using language that exemplifies our values: freedom and independence, balanced by responsibility, respect, and submission to authority. She rephrased my words into the language of her own value system: trust. During this conversation, I never felt attacked, yet I always felt defensive. My parenting philosophy was not assaulted, but it was steadily, incrementally, undermined: when we expect obedience regardless of Alexa’s preferences, we demand Trust that we have not earned; when we limit her choices, we withhold Trust from her—and the unspoken premise was that Trust is the most important thing to foster in and for a child.

Those of you who know me in real life know that I am not good at hearing and processing others’ arguments, rebutting them, and arguing for my own point of view in real-time conversation. I do much better with time—time to think, to ponder, to consider the alternative view and let its strengths and weaknesses become apparent. I need time to figure out how to articulate and evaluate logically the things that usually come first as intuitions. Although I felt strong disagreement during this conversation, I was unable to say why. So I thought about it over the course of several days.

I do agree that trust is important. My instinctive response reveals that it disturbed me to think that I do not trust Alexa. I want her to earn her own trust by making good decisions, but how will that happen if I don’t trust her enough to allow her to practice? And yet … she’s only a child, incapable of logic and long-term, future-oriented thinking. So I thought, and I reasoned, and I reflected on the conversation, the underlying premises, and how they compare to my knowledge of child development and to my goals for Alexa’s upbringing.

And I’ve come to a conclusion: Unschooling absolutely is not the route that I want to take with Alexa’s education. It never will be. It isn’t a matter of trust, and yet it is. It’s a matter of trusting that Alexa is a normal child. Some people believe that children are born with natural goodness and natural wisdom. I believe neither of those things. Goodness and wisdom must be taught; evil and folly come naturally, to all of us. Wisdom and the attendant ability to make good choices must develop, usually with the guidance of loving adults. The decision to trust a child to make good choices about critical matters before she has developed that ability is fundamentally incompatible with my responsibility as a parent.

As long as Alexa is a child, her father and I are responsible for her. These are formative years that shape what choices she has the opportunity to make in the future. It is our responsibility to do the long-term thinking for her, until such time as she is able to do it herself, and to give her the foundation that she will need to make those future choices. If you want to phrase that in terms of trust, it is almost entirely a one-way street at this point: Alexa must trust us to make good decisions for her, because we cannot trust her to make good decisions for herself.

Right now, at 22 months of age, Alexa is able to choose her clothing from within a set of seasonally and size appropriate options, but it would be folly to allow her to choose from all of her clothes, of all seasons and sizes. She chooses what she wants to wear based on how it looks, without regard for whether it fits, will provide sun protection, or will cause her to roast alive. When she turns 5 years old and is ready for kindergarten, she (presumably) will have mastered the choice of wearing clothes that fit her, but she most likely still will not consider the seasonality of her clothes—so we will make that choice for her by continuing to limit her options. When she is 8 years old, she (presumably) will have recognized that choosing not to wear a jacket on a chilly day means that she will be cold, but she may not have the maturity to recognize that she really should work on some math problems even if she’d rather go play with the cats—so we will make that choice for her. As she approaches adulthood, her ability to make good choices will increase, and her freedoms and responsibilities will change to reflect—and further develop—that ability. When she is 16 years old, if she decides that she would like to learn advanced physics, or graphic design, or the Arabic language, I will be supportive, and I will aid her in pursuing those interests. She will have some control over what she studies, but that control will not be absolute. Although she will be allowed the choice to add to her curriculum, she most likely will not be allowed to drop subjects—the addition of psychology will not allow her to forego mathematics, or writing, or biology.

Alexa’s growth from child to adult will be characterized by development: physical, social, emotional, and logical. Once she is an adult, she will have the right and the responsibility to make her own choices and to live with the consequences, good or bad. When that day comes, I hope that I am able to trust her to make good choices for herself. Until that day comes, she must trust us, her parents, to make many of her choices for her. Whether or not my hope is realized on that day depends, to a large extent, on how well we fulfill our responsibility to her now.

So I guess the time has come to admit it: I do not trust my child, not with important decisions, and I will not fully trust her with those decisions for a long, long time, certainly not during most of her school years. Her education is too important to leave to the whims of a child who has yet to learn how to engage in future-oriented abstract thinking. Once she has shown the ability to make good choices in less critical areas, she will be allowed to make them in more important matters—or at least, her preferences will have a greater influence on our choices for her. But until she is capable of making good choices in important matters, we will perform that function for her.

It turns out that my new acquaintance was both right and wrong: We do not trust Alexa enough, and we do not anticipate trusting Alexa enough during her childhood years, to unschool her. But that is not a bad thing.

5 comments:

  1. +1
    I LOVE my Proverbs 31 wife :-)
    We haven't specifically talked about this lately, but we have enough in the past that she knows what I think and how much I trust her judgement and value her insights.

    I don't know this acquaintance, but for me to substitute 'trust' for our wisdom and experience in Alexa's life would feel like I was both abdicating my responsibility as a parent and doing her the disservice of not giving her the option to learn from our own (sometimes hard-won) lessons. We have no illusions of being able to give her a perfect path to happiness and fulfillment, but the least we can do is not wipe out our trail behind us or warn her of paths where, in the words of an old map I saw in a book, "here be monsters".
    Where did the idea that it is a good thing to trust the judgement of the mentally undeveloped over that of the fully-grown come from?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think your acquaintance is a poor representative of unschooling, if her best argument was so defensive! She undermined you because "trust" is the best logic she has.
    I have friends who homeschool in a wide variety of methods. While unschooling initially sounded to me like a crazy amount of permissiveness and lack of oversight, over time the homeschooling moms I admire the most (in MY circle) have turned out to be the ones with the least structure. Is there trust there? Certainly..but it IS trust that the kids have earned by blowing traditional curricula out of the water and demanding more. These moms are intensely involved and be sure to tie all activities to a lesson of some sort, and in that way are providing very necessary oversight and opportunities for beyond-traditional observations. One especially posts frequently about her days "pondschooling," "hikeschooling," and even "Targetschoolng," and she has made me WISH that I had the ability to think on my feet in such a way as to make every mundane activity a chance for learning and love. I don't have it, though, and if we ever homeschool it will start out more traditionally - but I would hope for it to evolve!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think your acquaintance is a poor representative of unschooling, if her best argument was so defensive! She undermined you because "trust" is the best logic she has.
    I have friends who homeschool in a wide variety of methods. While unschooling initially sounded to me like a crazy amount of permissiveness and lack of oversight, over time the homeschooling moms I admire the most (in MY circle) have turned out to be the ones with the least structure. Is there trust there? Certainly..but it IS trust that the kids have earned by blowing traditional curricula out of the water and demanding more. These moms are intensely involved and be sure to tie all activities to a lesson of some sort, and in that way are providing very necessary oversight and opportunities for beyond-traditional observations. One especially posts frequently about her days "pondschooling," "hikeschooling," and even "Targetschoolng," and she has made me WISH that I had the ability to think on my feet in such a way as to make every mundane activity a chance for learning and love. I don't have it, though, and if we ever homeschool it will start out more traditionally - but I would hope for it to evolve!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Angela, I kind of wondered if that was the case. I don't know anyone who unschools other than this woman I met once, but I've read a few blog posts on both sides, and what little I remember seemed like more than simply "do whatever the child wants." And this woman's kids are older, with histories of doing well in traditional school (other than one British-model ultra-competitive school, which was the bad fit) and in more structured homeschooling curriculums, like your friends' kids.

    She described it as an evolution to unschooling. With certain kids and certain parents, I can see where it could be an option ... but I still don't think it's something I'd want to do with Alexa, even if she surprised me by showing decision-making skills way beyond her age. That has a lot to do with my personality and my value system, too, though--I crave order, I require structure in order to get off my lazy duff and do stuff, and I want Alexa to learn that sometimes she has to do and learn things she doesn't want to, and that structure and order are good things (although creativity and unstructured time also are good things). And as you said about yourself, I also don't have "the ability to think on my feet in such a way as to make every mundane activity a chance for learning." So it's a bad fit for our family, even aside from trusting Alexa to direct her own education. This post mostly was just me working out what I wish I'd been able to articulate during the conversation with this one woman.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I liked reading your thoughts. I too work out my thoughts better when I have more time to think.

    ReplyDelete

Due to an excess of spam comments lately, I've enabled comment moderation and made it so that you can't comment anonymously--most of the spam comes from Anonymous. However, I love to hear what you think, and I hope you have an account you can use to log in and comment here. Even if we disagree, please leave me a comment. Just keep it family-friendly, please.